


my heart you can collect

by katnisswilldrownbuttercup



Category: Grethan - Fandom, The Dolan Twins, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Grethan, Grief/Mourning, Incest, M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 11:58:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18738565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katnisswilldrownbuttercup/pseuds/katnisswilldrownbuttercup
Summary: There’s an obvious shift, or complete ripple to be more accurate, between them when they return to L.A. As much as they wanted their plan to forget that anything happened to work, they both already knew it wouldn’t be that simple.It’s his fault, really. He’s the one who fell in love with his brother, who will barely talk to him anymore. He’s ruined everything.He hopes he can forgive himself one day.Ethan and Grayson comfort each other in the wake of tragedy in a way that hurts more than it heals.





	my heart you can collect

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the Kid Cudi song "Enter Galactic."

Grief makes people do inexplicable things.

 

That’s especially applicable when two certain brothers are under the sheets in their childhood room, on the night of January nineteenth, trying to keep quiet as they are hurriedly pressing their lips together.

 

It’s an attempt to forget and it’s irrational and Ethan knows that. He _knows that_ . He knows that they will regret this in the morning and it’s easily the most reckless thing he’s ever done (which really, really is saying something), but he finds he cares less and less as they go further and further. His father is _dead_ and Grayson tastes too good and the feeling of their cocks rubbing together makes him feel like this is most right thing he can do. He knows it’s not healthy to cry during sex and he knows it’s not healthy to want your brother, but neither of them can stop.

 

When he pushes into his twin that night he loses a part of himself.

 

* * *

 

 

"We shouldn't have done that."

 

"I know." _But we did,_ Ethan wants to scream.

 

"It didn't happen."

 

"I know." _But it did,_ he wants to scream again.

 

At that Ethan realizes that for him, that night wasn’t just about numbing his pain. He’s terrible and disgusting and he _loves his brother._

 

* * *

 

 

There’s an obvious shift, or complete ripple to be more accurate, between them when they return to L.A. As much as they wanted their plan to forget that anything happened to work, they both already knew it wouldn’t be that simple.

 

When Grayson, who was always the more affectionate one, starts to shrug Ethan’s arm off of his shoulder, when he no longer cuddles up to him on the couch, and when he’s content with going to bed without telling Ethan goodnight, or telling him anything at all, ever, Ethan thinks he might go insane.

 

It’s his fault, really. He’s the one who slipped into Grayson’s bed and took his face in his hands to seal their fate. He’s the one who fell in love with his brother, who will barely talk to him anymore. He’s ruined everything.

 

He hopes he can forgive himself one day.

 

* * *

 

When they return to their videos in February it’s almost as if they start to put on a mask. They have a job to do, so avoiding each other isn’t possible and if they have to fake it, that’s what they have to do.

 

Putting a video idea together when they can barely look at each other is like pulling teeth but they manage. They know their video with Jeffree will be a hit, and he really is a nice guy. A little crude at times, but Ethan appreciates the honesty.

 

Because of how genuine and open Jeffree is, Ethan’s not even offended when he asks about their dad. His heart shatters when Jeffree reminds them just how _lucky_ they are to have each other so they don’t have to go it alone.

 

Ethan really wishes that were true, because he’s never felt more alone in his life.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It’s two in the morning and Ethan’s thinking himself into a headache and staring at the ceiling. Today was particularly awful when Grayson walked into the kitchen this morning, and when he saw Ethan, slinked out. He probably thinks that Ethan didn’t notice but he’s always been hyper aware of Grayson and he’s also aware of the fact that more of his pathetic heart crumbled away when he was reminded that his brother is afraid to be around him.

 

He hears footsteps coming toward his room, which confuses him. They’re definitely Grayson’s; he’s always had an incredibly loud tred. But Grayson doesn’t come anywhere near his room anymore.

 

He hears the door start to slowly open so he shuts his eyes quickly and attempts to even out his breathing. He’s frozen as he feels Grayson’s figure not more than a foot away from him. He’s completely paralyzed when Grayson lets out a sigh before petting Ethan’s hair back from his forehead, voluntarily touching him for the first time in forever.

 

And then it ends as quickly as it happens. He hears Grayson slip away, shutting his door and shuffling down the hall.

 

What was he doing? he wants to ask. What if he would have known Ethan was awake?

 

Ethan can only wonder.

 

* * *

 

On March nineteenth, Ethan’s had enough. He's furious and nearly storms into Grayson’s room to see him editing their video. Grayson turns around in his chair, confused. Ethan hasn’t been in his room for anything non-video related for nearly a month. He’s more confused when Ethan grabs him by the shoulders, his eyes angry.

 

“I’m so fucking _tired_ of this, Gray. Either grow the _fuck up_ or move out,” he nearly snarls. “You can’t pretend I don’t live here and that we didn’t-didn’t _fuck_ .” He’s stuttering but hoping he still makes his point across. “You’re still my brother and you need to—” Ethan almost passes out when Grayson grabs his face _hard_ and presses his lips to his even harder. Ethan pulls back, his eyes wide.

 

Grayson presses his forehead to his twin’s. “I can’t do this alone, E,” he whispers against Ethan’s lips.

 

And that’s all it takes for Ethan to forget the hurt of the past two months. That’s all it takes for him to make the same mistake over and over again he made that fateful night after his dad died, but this time it’s not a mistake, and it’s perfect.

 

Ethan’s never felt lighter.

 

* * *

 

There are moments where Ethan feels guilty about how much Grayson consumes his every thought or that what they do is wrong and they should still try to forget, no matter how badly he knows they’ll fail.

 

But now is definitely not one of those moments when he has his brother bent over the kitchen counter, moaning like a bitch in heat. Ethan truly thinks that this is the ideal form of being—fucking his brother from behind, hearing his every sound that he still can’t believe he has the pleasure of hearing. It’s music to his ears, and it’s a perfect reminder that Grayson is _his_ , and he is _Grayson’s_.

 

“Fuck, _E—_ ” Grayson whines as Ethan’s pounding into him like his life depends on it, abusing Grayson’s sweet spot like that’s what he was made for. It’s all too much, and a small while later, Grayson can’t hold on anymore and he comes beautifully against the cupboards. Ethan fucks him through his bliss until he can’t handle it either and he spills into his brother, holding him close.

 

Sometimes Ethan worries about what the future holds, especially because of the voice in the back of his head telling him that this can’t last forever, _you can’t take your brother for your whole life._

 

Deep down he knows that's true but nothing has ever felt more _right_ in all nineteen years of his living than loving Grayson in every way, and he can ignore that voice for a moment when he hears his younger twin whisper,

 

_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> probably one of my most quickly written drabbles and the one I'm most proud of. Hope you enjoyed and make sure to leave kudos and a comment:)


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